I am not a bad parent, I just have bad days!

“I am a terrible mother,” the phrase rings naturally in my head when I constantly scream at my three and a half year old daughter with an urge to spank her often. She is a monster in disguise I reason myself when I leave for work heavy with guilt and tears almost brimming from the corner of my eyes once in a while. There are days when she cries from the minute she wakes up only because she does not want to go to school. These days make me want to take a hike and never return. 

But then there are days when she lets out a faint smile begging me to hold her just once before I leave home melts my heart. The mornings when she wakes up happy and cuddles beside me makes me want to have more cute babies just like her. And the time when she comes running to me proclaiming her love louder and louder swells my heart so large I take a long breath to grasp enough air in my lungs. Yes I know, these cute devils grow up fast and I am frequently reminded by my loved ones to spend more time with her before she starts learning to do everything by herself. But the constant emotional bullying and her wailing remind me - one devil is enough for a lifetime.

So what has prompted me to deprive my daughter of her own siblings when I had the opportunity to grow up in a family full of siblings brimming with love, jealous and anger? I had partners in crime and now that all of us have grown up and branched out to our own little sets of families I still have my middle sister to share my bad and good days. Forget the sleepless nights, spillover in my favorite shoe, dress, and linen – name it. Forget the unreasonable tantrums and the never ending hysterical cries. Each time I fail to console her and make things right for both of us I feel like I have lost a battle all over again.

But these are not the reasons I am content with one child. The constant comparison between the children not just at school but even at home starting from her behavior to her ability to learn makes me want to scream – each child is different, they are not machines.

Here I am complaining for an instant because I do not want my girl to be compared with anyone and I know every step of her life she will be in an open competition. But that’s a part of life and I am okay with it because I am not bothered if my friend’s son can speak fluent English or if my cousin’s daughter is dainty and play clean. I am not worried if my daughter cannot narrate the whole ABCs and I am not ashamed if she constantly picks her nose. I don’t care if all the kids her age can swim and dance. I don’t care if she cannot kick the ball as hard as her cousins can. What I care is that my girl grow up confident not a single voice telling her she can’t do it only because she is a girl.

My girl does not need anyone to remind her about the social and artificial disabilities of her gender. Because she has seen women in her lives leading similar or more successful careers than the men. From the time she was born, she has seen her mother and her aunts heading to work driving their own cars, her pediatrician is a woman, her teachers are women and she has flown in airlines that were piloted by women. Yes there are times when I am worried about the influence Snow White, Rapunzle and Sleeping Beauty has on her but she also adores Tiana who succeeds in having her own restaurant and Dora who is an explorer which kind of balances her imagination.

I know parents who selectively choose male child over a girl child and I know parents obsessed by the Hindu tradition worried about lighting their funeral pyre if they only have female children. I am in no mood to contest our Shastras which denote the significance of a male child but I also know for sure that nobody knows what happens after life. So why are we scared of the unknown? I know my funeral pyre will be lit my girl and I am not worried about going to hell if that’s what our Shastra implies but this and the many reasons I stated above are not the reasons for choosing to have only one girl child.

I always preferred a baby girl over a male child and because I am a woman I am slightly biased towards my gender. And I am not rebelling against the Shastras and our Hindu tradition; the fact is I cannot imagine loving another baby (I know there will be love). I am selfish in a way and I want to give all to my girl and secure her future the best to my capabilities. I am also selfish for myself because I do not long for more continuous sleepless nights, regular visits to doctors and the weight gain. There are other facts too. I love my ‘ME’ time and I want to enjoy my time and life with my only girl. The best part is we are all in it together because my girl doesn’t ask for a sibling and both I and my husband are content with just one child.