Dreams pursued

My precious Photo: Shradha Giri

Last night my nine-year-old and I held hands and cried. We then laughed and then cried again. This isn’t something we normally do – our daughter, our precious one who was quiet for a change sat still, listened to what I had to say. The thing is, I have decided to change my career at this age and it is creating a ruckus which I didn’t think of earlier. I guess no one thinks through until the day one starts working on the decision.

I decided a year and a half ago that I would invest in a school. Both my husband and I danced at the idea one idle weekend. We didn’t think of the distance - 500km. A year and a half spent running to banks, local ward office and to tax departments, the deal was done. Just like that with considerable amount of loan on my shoulders, I became a part of the system where I have always wanted to make a difference.

I spent the past two weeks in my new role and I was baffled by what I observed (I also spent a few nights crying). Lack of quality teachers coupled with parent’s interference on how schools should operate doesn’t benefit the students or the parents. This, I felt, is exactly why, I always wanted to be a part of our education system. Quality teachers are rare and finding one is like finding a diamond in a mine. Forget teachers, I can’t even hire a qualified accountant because everyone wants to work in Kathmandu making less money comparatively.

Sara Blakely, CEO of Spanx said, she never talks about success. Her father used to ask her every day what did she fail at when she was a child? Every time she answered her father’s question, he would embrace her and give her a high five. This, she says  taught her that failing wasn’t bad. I have a wonderful team who can help me overcome professional challenges. The hardest part is dealing with my personal predicaments.

I guess time, situation, marital status and our gendered roles all combined creates a magic potion that helps strengthen the power of the glass ceiling – making it virtually impossible to break through. But this magic potion also gives us the power to never stop trying and question ourselves when in doubt. 

Because half the time I am guilty for not spending all the time with my little one. The other half, I am angry and doubting myself a zillion times a day – can I persist this challenge? I already feel depleted! And then I think about all the years I dreamed of working on my own school, scheming of strategies on how I could improve the way children learned and jotting down little wrongs I would right. 

I may or may not have the support system I have imagined in my head, but this is what I told my little girl last night. I am your mother, and I have already made the decision to sacrifice our time together, because I want to believe in my dreams. Because I want to reject the challenges mothers face. Because I want little girls like you to grow up with mothers who make tough decisions every day so that you can believe in yourself a little more each passing day.