Making sense

You're imperfect,

and you're wired for struggle, 

but YOU ARE WORTHY of love AND belonging - Brene Brown

A few years ago one of my female colleagues stated she feels left out in her husband’s home because no one consults her. Decisions are made and that’s it. Obvious for her to feel that way, she being the eldest child looking after her younger brother and helping her mom and dad to run errands, she owned her responsibility duly or naturally transferred to her. She enjoyed the responsibilities, she felt wanted and she felt important.

I wasn’t as lucky as my colleague who enjoyed the responsibility in her maternal home because being the youngest child I felt left out. I know my husband who is also the youngest shares the same feeling because decisions are made and we have no clue what the hell is happening. My husband and I were both leaders in our schools, our friends value our opinion (I hope they do), we may or may not be raising our 6 year old appropriately (it’s nobody’s business), we both manage our careers effortlessly but at our homes it is different. This infuriates me. My husband consciously chooses not to give a shit.

As a child of the surviving parents I am writing this from a child’s perspective. I bet it will change when I become older but for now I am furious. As the youngest child I was sent to a hostel in the Indian hills and then went further away to continue my studies. In school, I had a set of friends who I could rely, trust and depend on – for everything. I felt I belonged because I was responsible for my actions and for my friends. I was a leader. I mattered.  At home, it was different. I had a difficult time adjusting the roles I played at home and in school. It was like as if I had a split personality.

Despite the isolation I am glad I had two elder sisters who made sure I felt I belonged – belonged to the perfect imperfect family. They ensured all family decisions (made without my knowledge) were known to me.  I don’t remember an instance where I was kept in the dark because somehow I felt they got pleasure out of the discomfort I showed by the truth or the lies told.

Nonetheless I am thankful. Thankful for the truth and the lies and thankful because I knew the limits of my expectations. And although I felt less important compared to other siblings, the knowledge of simply knowing that I too am on the same page as everyone else gives me a lot of comfort – I feel I belong.

I guess this could also be the reason I hardly feel the need to consult with my parents when I need to make decisions - big or small. I call them once in a while but I never discuss my issues with them. They have no clue what is going on in my life unless I choose to disclose to them and I guess it is vice versa. Until a few days ago I felt guilty for shunning my parents away when making important decisions about my life. But one my friends mentioned that her in laws expect their son (her husband) to share and inquire after them when they hardly discuss any matters with him (although the elder sibling is often sought after). That is when I realized, oh darn I am in the same position. I no longer feel guilty. It’s just I won’t feel guilty period.

I have a 6 year old girl who is a rebel in so many ways. My husband and I worry sometimes because she is the only child but often we end up reinforcing our decision to not have another sibling simply because we don’t want her to share our love or lose out on the decision making power. Now this sounds perfectly selfish in so many ways and most importantly we as parents are making an important decision without consulting our only child. But the fact that she will be the only child and that we won’t have any choice but to seek her opinion somehow makes sense to me and my husband. But of course it shouldn’t make sense. 

pic: Ktm post